December 14, 2007
Oh My Lutherans . . .
Ach. What a year. Had I known life was so hard in the twenty-first century I would have stayed dead.
Nevertheless, by the grace of God, and the many prayers of many of you, for which we are eternally gratefully, the members of this household who have suffered greatly in the past few months are slowly but surely recuperating. The worst seems to be over, and there is much hope for the future. Gelobt sei Gott!
That is the good news. The bad news is this here: My miserable, execrable, disgusting, wretched, fetid, contemptible excuse for an assistant has taken to blogging on another website. Do you believe it, my Lutherans?
And so he has peremptorily and unilaterally decided to put Luther at the Movies to sleep indefinitely—leaving me out in the cold, wretch that he is. He claims that his writing will too often include reviews of the latest cinematic concoctions, thereby making Luther at the Movies a burdensome superfluity.
As if his voice could be mistaken for mine. He is a mealymouthed rat fink. I am a prophet and less than a prophet. I am a movie connoisseur. He is a mere critic.
Betrayals. How I have known betrayals.
Nevertheless, given God's providential care for his children, I have no doubt that this will redound to my benefit. I am now left with time to work on my new book: The Reformation for Flatheads. My favorite chapters so far:
"Justification for Jackanapes"
"Sanctification for Sissies"
"Church History for Chimpanzees"
So many people have taken to writing a history of that era—my era! And so many have dribbled on themselves embarrassingly in the process. Now that I am released from the constraints of a sixteenth-century existence, I am free to objectively evaluate the gains and losses, the heroes and villains, the huggah and muggah, of the second most important period in human history! (The first being the first, of course, as it saw the life, death, and resurrection of our Lord.)
"But Herr Luther—surely the Reformation had negligible impact on the Far East, and points South. Surely we are talking about Western history, no? And what of the 11th century, with the birth of the Crusades and the splitting of the Church East and West, the Norman Conquests, and the rise of vibrant cultures in India, China, and among the Muslim peoples? That century certainly is a better candidate for "second place," as you put it—"
SILENCE, IMAGINARY INTERLOCUTOR! What affects me affects the world! Idiot . . .
What can I say, my friends? Perhaps we will meet again. All I ask is that, when that no-good strudel-sucker B16 tells you that we Lutherans do not have a real church, but only the Romanists have a real church, remember that his triple tiara lays heavy on his head, causing cranial pressure and a gross case of acute stupidity. "Hey, Benny: I hear from some kids in my neighborhood that they are looking for a front man for an Air Supply tribute band. What about it? It would be the first honest work you've done in your life!"
And when the emerging-churchniks tell you that we must reinvent everything and start over with Powerpoint presentations and flat-screen TVs of some long-haired Nancys covering Joe Cocker tunes with lyrics written by Sven Hallmark, remember that hormones unleashed in dairy and meat products are no doubt to blame. Show compassion. Then throw a rock.
Auf Wiedersehen, my Lutherans. And remember: Sola Fide! Sola Gratia! Sola Scriptura! Solus Christus! Soli Deo Gloria—forever!
Calvinus! Get off my couch! And turn down that music! If I have to hear "Ready to Take a Chance Again" one more time I am going to rip off my own head!
I SHALL GO MAD!
I SHALL GO MAD!
