Luther at the Movies: I Am Ethel Merman's Love Child

February 13, 2007

I Am Ethel Merman's Love Child

St. Charles Place informs me that I am scheduled to be a merman in the next life.

I have no idea what this means. Are my sins so great, so beyond the grace of Almighty God, that I am doomed to spend eternity as half a fish? Is this some special place in hell? I thought hell was divided into three parts: one part for Satan and his miserable minions, one part for those who have spurned God and devoted themselves to idols, and one part for the creators of The View.

This is the most abominable thing I have encountered since the halibut steak at Lucky Louie's Phish or Swim.

# posted by Luther (Doktor) @ 12:01 PM

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: Name: Luther (Doktor); Location: Eisleben, Saxony, Germany

I was born to a brutish miner father and an equally egregious mother who beat me relentlessly for the smallest of infractions, like fibbing or the Peasants War. I paid them back for their cruelty by ruining their hopes of my ever becoming a lawyer, thus robbing them of discounts on personal-injury lawsuits. Instead I entered an Augustinian monastery at age 21. (The legend about a vow to St. Anne during a thunderstorm is a myth, bordering on legend, around the corner and two doors down from a boldface lie.) While trapped in that sewer of false piety, I was given a revelation that brought me the only relief from a tormented conscience and impacted descending colon I had ever known: I was a cold-blooded sinner and there was nothing I could do but throw myself on the mercy of my God, trusting on the merits of Christ alone! Thus was reborn the mighty doctrine of justification by faith. Although alive in Christ, as far as this vale of tears is concerned, I am currently as dead as Chevy Chase's movie career, though I have not let that interfere with a robust drinking and blogging career.

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Luther at the Movies