September 27, 2006
Bring Me My Fat!
I'm talking about something deeply, deeply immoral, something that confuses the three kingdoms: the civil realm, the spiritual realm, and the junk food realm.
New York City wants to ban trans fats from its restaurants!
Trans fat is that gelatinous goo that makes french fries, doughnuts, and pie crusts sinfully delicious. That it also clogs your arteries like the Lincoln Tunnel on the day before Thanksgiving is neither here nor there! We all must die of something! And some of us more than once!
What can we expect next from these food puritans! Pizzas made with tofu? Hot dogs made from celery stalks? Beer distilled from sunflowers and emoticons?
This is an outrage! I want my bad fat! The last thing we need in this world is some self-righteously "good" fat larding it over the rest of us!
I want my Lutherans to protest this violation of basic human rights by boycotting all green, leafy vegetables, all fruits, raw nuts and seeds, lean cuts of meat, and decaffeinated beverages! I want instead the steady consumption of pork products, processed deli meats, bread so white you will need tinted glasses just to see your sandwich, grande mocha-choca-latta-ya-yas with extra ya-yas, cheez puffs, Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Yoo-Hoo, Yodels, Spam-flavored bacon fried in last week's leftover sausage grease, pizza with two layers of spumoni wrapped in a gelato-dipped burrito, and Fresca!
If that doesn't kill this initiative, at least there will be no one left to care!
Links to this post: