June 11, 2006
Get to Church, You Animals!
How can this be? Christianity is the champion oppressor of women and primary obstacle to their full equality and freedom! In the 21st century, women should be fleeing Christian churches to join Wicca covens and psychic friends’ circles. Men should be embracing the last stronghold of patriarchal hegemony and fighting to their last nicotine-tinged gasp to maintain the hierarchical structures that support it! Ach! Where did Murrow get his data?!
In any event, my Lutherans, I have a solution to the dilemma. The following guidelines, if implemented forthwith and with great vigor, will bring men streaming through church doors, chewing on bulletins, knocking over lecterns, bathing in baptismal fonts, wearing offering plates as hats, stuffing hymnal racks with old copies of The Daily Racing Form, and throwing small children through choir screens—AS GOD INTENDED!
1. Feats of strength. I suggest, as a temporary measure, that between the sermon and the Offertory a strength contest be provided for whomever wishes to participate. This will be a men’s-only event! If you see any East German women getting out of the pews, browbeat them with Brooke Shields’ brows! Pastors will challenge men in the church to lift barbells, swing kettle bells, and berate dumbbells. The winner will be allowed to make loud grunting noises during the Collect the following Sunday.
2. Ambulatory services. Men will be allowed to carry the infirm, the lame, the halt, the distracted, the demented, and the otherwise disoriented to the altar rail for Holy Communion. These men—or “ambulators”—will master the fireman’s carry, the single-shoulder carry, the three-quarter facelock bulldog, and the inverted neck breaker. It would be advisable for churches to have their insurance premiums paid in a timely fashion.
3. Discipleship. Too often the sermon is focused on love, compassion, mercy, and sissy-Mary “values.” From now on, I want sermons that focus on what it means to be a true disciple! I want to hear about sacrifice for one’s family, suffering in the face of a godless world, flesh-and-blood battles with Satan, knee replacements, rotator-cuff surgeries, searing pain between lumbar L1 and sacral S2, ungrateful children, and the Kansas City Royals.
4. Vocations. I want an emphasis placed on the spiritual riches to be found in one’s calling. Whether you argue cases before the Supreme Court or sell “D” batteries on the “R” train, whether you preach the Word or repair grommets on bowling shoes, whether you fight in the Armed Forces or just sit around all day whining about Vista being delayed till '07—you are an essential part of God’s plan to bring judgment on the world! And there will be much screaming, wailing, and gnashing of teeth, I assure you, men! So perhaps a second career in dentistry might be something worth looking into…
5. Essential Reading. For the month of June I want a series of midweek lectures based on such titles as When You’ve Got to Go, Where to Go to the Bathroom in Washington, D.C., and I Am Escobar's Prostate.
POST SCRIPTUM YET OFF-TOPIC: Stay tuned till tomorrow, when I, Doktor Martin Luther, will review A Prairie Home Companion—WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!
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