Luther at the Movies

Clowns are Satan’s envoys. Yes, you heard correctly! They obscure their faces with women’s makeup and disguise their voices, hiding their true identities in order to terrify small children and evade jury duty! They wear oversize shoes so pitying strangers will take them to Payless for $12 espadrilles. Their hair is styled to resemble a Martian’s and their dress is that of an Episcopal bishop on crack. All of it is a hellish parody of a civilized appearance, intended to confuse an already terrorized populace and lay the groundwork for an invasion of mimes, who as we know have a decided predilection for Zwinglian thinking!

And so when it was announced that Clarabell, of that stupid Howdy Doo Doo Show, had dropped dead on Wednesday, May 17, I partied like it was 1499!

But we must not become complacent, my Lutherans, just because one bicycle horn has been silenced! The single most fecund source for these half-human, half-baked-ziti monstrosities is the infamous State Circus Maximus at Plattsburgh—yes, a clown college! And its curriculum is appalling!

Selzer Squirting 101—what is that?
Midgets Emerging from Volkwagen—Advanced Seminars
Human Cannonballs & Multiculturalism
Knife Throwing in the Thirty Years’ War
Contortionism & Women’s Studies: The "Right to Bend"
Stilt Walking and the Vertically Challenged—radical garbage!

Moreover, the menu in their cafeteria consists of nothing but swords, fire, and Yoo-Hoo. Their Music Department has two CDs: Clyde Beatty Sings Vic Damone and The Fat Lady Sings—Period. Their varsity sport is some nut riding a motorcycle on a high wire while his girlfriend stands on his shoulders playing a ukelele. And yet it's accredited by the Middle States Association of Colleges and Schools!

Before another generation is lost to this criminal enterprise, I implore you, close the State Circus Maximus at Plattsburgh! Perform your Christian duty and open the doors of Concordia Colleges nationwide. Take in these miserable souls who only want a form of employment that doesn't require spinning plates on a stick. (So journalism is out.)

Is that so much to ask?