May 19, 2006
Another Clown Bites the Dust
And so when it was announced that Clarabell, of that stupid Howdy Doo Doo Show, had dropped dead on Wednesday, May 17, I partied like it was 1499!
But we must not become complacent, my Lutherans, just because one bicycle horn has been silenced! The single most fecund source for these half-human, half-baked-ziti monstrosities is the infamous State Circus Maximus at Plattsburgh—yes, a clown college! And its curriculum is appalling!
Selzer Squirting 101—what is that?
Midgets Emerging from Volkwagen—Advanced Seminars
Human Cannonballs & Multiculturalism
Knife Throwing in the Thirty Years’ War
Contortionism & Women’s Studies: The "Right to Bend"
Stilt Walking and the Vertically Challenged—radical garbage!
Moreover, the menu in their cafeteria consists of nothing but swords, fire, and Yoo-Hoo. Their Music Department has two CDs: Clyde Beatty Sings Vic Damone and The Fat Lady Sings—Period. Their varsity sport is some nut riding a motorcycle on a high wire while his girlfriend stands on his shoulders playing a ukelele. And yet it's accredited by the Middle States Association of Colleges and Schools!
Before another generation is lost to this criminal enterprise, I implore you, close the State Circus Maximus at Plattsburgh! Perform your Christian duty and open the doors of Concordia Colleges nationwide. Take in these miserable souls who only want a form of employment that doesn't require spinning plates on a stick. (So journalism is out.)
Is that so much to ask?
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